Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Bring the jamzzz!!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Next time you meet a cute congressional intern do not embarrass yourself by fangirling the congressman he works for.
Me: Who do you intern for?
Intern: Dennis Kucinich.
Me: OMG I LOVE HIM!!!
Me: OMG HAVE YOU MET HIM????
Me: OMG HIS WIFE IS SO HOT!!!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My mom has a friend that SWEARS by Bikram Yoga. So when Jen suggested it I agreed to give it a try. We went today and it was probably the most intense thing I've ever experienced in my life. I really thought it was going to kill me, but when we finished I felt really really good.
It was definitely a challenge but we're going back tomorrow and I'm really excited!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Though I haven't seen the movie I know that there are a ton of indie music references in it like this one. It's one of the reasons I'm so excited to see it!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Halloween 2006. Butcher Fun Barbie.
This is probably my favorite costume ever. My dad and I had to go dumpster diving all over the place to find a box big enough. When I wore it to school I realized that with that plastic in the front, it got really really hot in there so in the middle of the day I had to cut a hole in the top just so I could breathe. Twist tied behind me are some plastic cuts of meat and some knives. The sticker on the front says "Now with glow in the dark knives!" The back of the costume is my favorite but I unfortunately don't have any pictures of it. There's a barcode sticker and a bunch of crazy slogans like:
"Barbie's bringing home the bacon!"
"Grade-A fun for everyone!"
Halloween 2005. Rapunzel.
My dad built the tower and my mom sewed the dress. I made the wig. We searched high and low for a prince charming Ken doll. This costume was really hard to get in and out of.
In 2004 I was a woman sitting in a beauty chair. It had fake legs and everything. Really kind of hard to explain, you have to see it. In 2003 I was a jack-in-the-box and my sister was a picnic (again, you really have to see it to get it).
But the costume that started this family tradition of really elaborate costumes was in 2002 when my sister was a junior in high school. Her friend jokingly suggested she be a hillbilly in an outhouse. So she did it. She was like a legend at our school after that. Too bad for the rest of high school everyone knew her as "the outhouse girl." Haha.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sometimes.Other times, times like today, it makes me think about what my life would be like as a book. Unlike the biographies I imagine for strangers, which tend to be a good mixture of joy, grief, love, and loss, my life story seems to be nothing more than a long, incoherent stream of odd memories and truly pointless anecdotes.
When I think back on most of these memories, I still laugh. So I present for your entertainment, the (seriously) abridged Story of My Life.
I was born in Riverside, CA, in 1989 with a sizeable hole in my head. Upon seeing said hole, my mother asked the nurse why it was there. The nurse calmly explained it was from the internal baby moniter. My mother, with panic in her voice, told the nurses she hadn't had an internal baby moniter. She then began frantically yelling to my father, 'Is this the one that came out of me?' Long story short: My father claims I am the one that came out of her, but sometimes I still suspect I was switched at birth.
As a baby my mom left my grandma to babysit me on a fairly regular basis. One day, under her not-so watchful eye, I ended up eating a dime. When my mom picked me up my grandma said she'd noticed a little change in me. Long story short: my mom still has the dime and my grandma still loves puns.
I remember another time, I must have been about 4, I was playing with my sister at my grandparents' house. We got in a fight and she pulled out a fistfull of my hair. I walked into the kitchen with my hair in my hand. My mom thought it was doll hair and dismissed the matter. That is, until she saw the huge bald spot on my head. Long story short: I'm still plotting my revenge.
One of my earliest memories is the time I was 5 and decided my mother was the stupidest woman on the earth for naming me Tracy, because clearly, it isn't spelled the way it sounds. Long story short: For about a year I spelled my name Chracy.
When I was little, oh man, could I scream. I'd scream about anything and everything. I used to scream anytime my mother wasn't there to answer to my every need. To get away from me, she used to mow the lawn. The lawn mower was the only thing loud enough to cover up my screams. I used to stand on the porch with my dad and scream while I watched her mow the lawn. Long story short: If I knew how to work a lawn mower, I'm pretty sure that now I'd be mowing the lawn to get away from her.
My middle school years were pretty awkward. I don't remember very much. Just that I was sort of a bitch and Thomas Miller once threw a chicken burger at me. In retrospect the two might be related and I probably deserved that chicken burger.
As a freshman I befriended a lot of Mormons. In retrospect, they were probably trying to convert me.
As a sophomore I wrote, produced, and starred in a film called Speed (not to be confused with the box office hit starring Keanu Reeves). This film was produced for my health class. I played a good-girl turned addict by an evil drug dealer (played by Joseph Valadez, oh the irony). The real irony, though, is that while filming, we caught an actual drug deal on tape. Good times.
As a junior I began suffering from a mystery illness that inexplicably caused me to black out in my second period chemistry class. Seeing as I was also nauseous every morning, the receptionist at my doctor's office suggested to my mother that I might be pregnant. A heated argument between the woman and my mother ensued. Long story short: my mom won the argument and I was definitely not with child.
As a senior I spent a lot of time eating Costco churros with Joseph. I also spent a countless number of nights eating chinese food and making up quotes for yearbook pages staff members didn't finish. Each morning for breakfast I ate a string cheese and a quarter cup of granola. I worked on a film loosely based on the book The Shipping News that involved Thomas Miller playing a lesbian woman.
Upon entering college, it didn't take me long to find people who appreciated my kookiness. They seemed prepared to accept my love of secret handshakes, my obsession with hot pink, and even my distaste for brown pants. One thing they weren't prepared for was my elaborate halloween costumes. But despite their doubts about my being a mailbox for halloween, they dutifully helped me shop for packing boxes and spray paint said boxes postal service blue. A couple even jumped in with coordinating costumes. At that moment, I knew these people were true friends.
My life is far from over, but I imagine (and indeed I hope) that it continues to be just as random, kooky, quirky, and unforgivably hilarious as the past 20 years.
Friday, July 10, 2009
The premise of the blog is this: post as many hilariously awful professional portraits from by-gone eras as possible.
Here are a few recent faves:
I probably shouldn't say this out loud but, I'm going to make my next boyfriend pose with me for a portrait like this.
Not technically a person, but it definitely bridges the gap between Sexy People and Cute Overload.
These kids appear to be as terrified of their mother's hair as I am.
It's the Ray Ban mystery man!!! Haha, KIDDING.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
BY PETER KRINKE
- - - --->
July 3, 1776
Tomorrow the congress shall vote on wording for the Declaration of Our Independence from England. While I shall endorse its passage, I cannot deny my contempt for its author, the foul Virginian, Thomas Jefferson.
Today, as the congress was being called to order, I was heard to remark that I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. While Delegate Cushing struggled at breath for his chortling, Delegate Jefferson closed his eyes, cocked his head askew (pretending to rest it upon a "pillow" of his hands) and pretended to snore loudly.
"Dear Sir," I responded, hoping to restore a modicum of dignity to the proceedings. "Be-calm yourself."
Jefferson, in what initially seemed an attempt at reconciliation, apologized and told me he'd actually commissioned a large run of my Thoughts on Government from a local printer. He informed me that they were of service to a great number of the congress.
He then extended his hand to me, and, mollified by his contrite demeanor, I reached to shake it. But at the last moment, he jerked his hand away and adjusted his wig, running his hand along the side of it!
Jefferson then called a number of the other delegates over and pretended to study me intently, with and without the aid of Benjamin Franklin's spectacles, while asking in jest, "Is that Benedict Arnold, or is that John Adams?"
"'Tis I, John Adams!" I retorted.
In response, Jefferson informed the congress he was going to pretend to be someone else for their amusement. He then produced a lace handkerchief from his pocket and, holding it between his thumb and forefinger, his wrist cocked at a 90-degree angle, began prancing about in the manner of a fop or dandy, proclaiming, "I'm John Adams! I favor a strong federal government to the detriment of states rights and the sovereignty of the individual."
"I demand you cease these unflattering characterizations of me," I cried.
Resolving to fight fire with fire, I called over the delegation from the Province of New Hampshire and proclaimed loudly, "I, too, would like to slander and ridicule a fellow delegate through a keen approximation of his physical characteristics and mannerisms."
Then, hunching over and placing a finger in my nose while adopting the tone and register of Jefferson's peculiar Virginian vocal timbre, I proclaimed, "I'm Tom-E Jefferson! The delegate from Virgin-I-a!"
While the majority of the congress looked away from my ill-advised impersonation, Jefferson began to clap loudly, pretending to congratulate me.
Feigning enthusiasm for my performance, he slapped me on the back, proclaiming, "An excellent characterization!" Then turning to the congress and placing his hand next to his mouth in order to shield his words from me, but still speaking with a volume intended to be audible to everyone present, continued, "It was as if your mother were in the room with us, dressed in your clothing."
"How dare you?" I screamed. "My mother is dead."
Jefferson looked genuinely surprised and, turning again to address the congress, proclaimed, "She seemed animated enough last night!"
So filled with rage was I that I retired to the lavatory in order to regain my composure. Upon entering the privy I noticed a stack of my Thoughts on Government, resting next to the seat, with a sign beside it in Jefferson's hand, penned, "Not for reading!" and an arrow pointing to my texts!
On several occasions Delegate Jefferson has smelled of hemp and mead before the noon meal. He also frequently retires to an antechamber with his servant Sally Hemings, proclaiming they are off to "a different kind of congress." He says this while winking!
When pressed as to the infrequency of his visits to the bedchamber of his wife, Jefferson recites the crude maxim, "Once a quill is dipped in black ink, it forever favors that hue."
But enough of Jefferson and his clownish antics; I must rest. Tomorrow I shall help birth a republic.
Ah, what's this? I hear a knock upon my door! And quick footfalls! What could it be? A gift from an admirer? A note of great import? I'll just have a quick look...
Indignity! The indignity of indignities!
Upon opening the door, I observed a sack upon my stoop, and it was a-flame! I quickly moved to smother the inferno by stomping upon it soundly, only to discover the contents: horse void! From a sick horse!
As I recoiled in horror from my investigative sniff, the sound of Jefferson and his cohorts' cackles resounded down the cobblestone streets.
My only solace comes from my steely belief in the providential certainty that history will reveal Jefferson as the base and immoral cad he truly is.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I have now gotten THREE false leads from my missed connections post. I had googled one of them (a guy that goes to Georgetown) and found a picture of him. Oddly enough, I SAW HIM ON THE METRO THE NEXT DAY. I would have said hello, but then he would have known I google-stalked him and I generally don't like to advertise what a creep I am, haha.
Nevertheless, it was a really really strange coincidence.